Adventures of a Funny Mentalist - By Steve Dunk

[Luke]

PART 1
It all started when God created man and gave him the Garden, a wife, and dominion over the earth. Imagine time travel and the average Christian Fundamentalist going back and talking to Adam.

Funnymentalist: Hey Adam!
Adam: What?
Funny:How do you get saved?
Adam: What is "saved?"
Funny: Well, that is where the Lord convicts you of your sin and you repent and trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour.
Adam:What is "sin?"
Funny: Sin is anything that offends God.
Adam: Strange. God never told me about that. Who is "Jesus Christ?"
Funny: He died for your sins on the cross.
Adam: Why did He die? Did He eat of the fruit of the tree that God told me not to eat?
Funny: Oh no! He is God, the 2nd Member of the Trinity.
Adam: Oh you mean The Word. Yeah, I have fellowship with Him in the cool of the day each and every day. We only have one rule around here: Don't eat of the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil. Things are great here. Just the wife and I running around shamelessly naked as a jaybird. Perfect climate, no thorns, no sweat. I hope nothing happens to mess this deal up.
By the way, what is that thing around your neck?
Funny: Oh that is called a tie. I wear it to show everyone around me that I am spiritual.
Adam: Why does it point toward your crotch?
Funny: Never mind that. We have to have tolerance for other people's beliefs. After all, there is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us....we should all just try to accept one another to try to get along together and come to an understanding of one another to reach a point of togetherness and a heightened plane of understanding of one another's differences to attempt to tolerate and facilitate a spirit of tolerance........

Funnymentalist stops to take a breath just in time to see Adam walking away naked and unashamedly with his wife, talking about how Funny reminds them of the Serpent when he talks like that.

Funnymentalist then looks in his pocket for a tract to give to Adam on how to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as his Saviour.......4 000 years from now.

PART 2
After an undetermined period of time, Funnymentalist returns to the past to find Adam on his knees, sweating from his face with thorns pricking him on his fingers as he plants his crops.

Funny: Hey Adam!
Adam: What now?
Funny:Why are you digging in the dirt while wearing those animal skins?
Adam: You have to ask? I messed up. I ate from the tree.
Funny: Were you deceived?
Adam: Naw, but my wife was and I decided to die to be with her.
Funny:Y'know, that sounds strangely familiar.
Adam: I thought you might say that, but I do not know what you are talking about, as I am alive at 4 000 years BC(whatever that means).All I know is that the LORD said something to the serpent about enmity being between him and the woman and between his seed and her seed ( I always thought the man has the seed) and then He said something about bruising heads and heels, but what do I know? He was talking to the serpent not me.

Funny:So are you looking forward to the cross to be saved?
Adam: What!? What is a cross? All I know is God killed an animal and put clothes on us and sent me out to the field to work. No more Garden for me. Look at that Cherubim. Would you argue with him?

Funnymentalist looks confused and wanders away muttering to himself.

PART 3
Funnymentalist then gets bored one day and decides to go and see how things are with Adam's family (could not resist it).

Funny:Hey! Who are you?
Abel: Why I'm Abel son of Adam.Who are you, and what is that thing around your neck, and why is it pointing toward your....
Funny: Yeah, you are your father's son alright. So what are you doing?
I'm looking for my best sheep...it has to have nothong wrong with it.
Funny: Without spot or blemish?
Abel: Yeah! Where did you hear that? That is good! Someone should write that down. Anyway, I'm going to sacrifice my best lamb for the Lord.
Funny: Why?
Abel: To have my sins forgiven.
Funny: But I thought you guys were looking forward to the cross to be saved.
Abel:Look pal, my dad told me all about you and that look back, look ahead, look around stuff. I don't even know what a cross is. Sometimes my wife gets cross when I don't wipe my feet when I come in the house, but "A" cross? I know no such thing. All I know is what my conscience tells me. I know that if I shed the blood of my best lamb, God will accept it. If I don't, He won't. I have faith that He will if I will, so that is how I will obtain witness that I am righteous.
Funny: That sounds like faith plus works.
Abel: I reckon you're right. Gen 4:7 If thou doest........DOEST DOEST DOEST. Yeah, I guess that IS faith plus works.

PART 4
Our friend, Funnymentalist is at it again. He is persistent if nothing else. This time he lands and meets an old man building a huge Ark.

Funny: Hey! Old man!
Noah: I'll "old man" you, I can out work you any day of the week. Who do you think built this ark while chasing away the giants? Clint Eastwood? Maybe you think little elves come by every day and lend a hand. Don't let the beard fool you. I am a preacher of righteousness. REPENT! Quit fooling around with angels! Do right! The LORD is going to Flood out the whole earth. Prepare to meet thy God. Now what do you want?

Funny: I just came here to tell you about Jesus dying on the cross and if you look forward to that you wil be saved.

Noah: Boys! Shem! Ham! Japheth! Have you been letting this poor deluded soul sniff the can of pitch? I told you boys to keep the pitch away from the tourists. They go nuts. Man alive....how old are you boys anyhow? a hundred or pretty near....we have a job to do...get that? We have WORK to do or or the boat will not be built and no one will be saved. By faith I started this boat and by works I intend to finish it. That is what the LORD told me about how to be saved.

Funnymentalist starts his argument, but he sees that Noah gets back to work and when he sees all the animals on the march, and the black clouds gathering, he thinks it is time to get out of dodge.

PART 5
Noah parks the Ark. He looks around and there is, you guessed it...Funnymentalist again. He is right out of his church on visitation night and decided to do some post flood time travel.

Funny: Hey Noah!
Noah: Look kid, I'm not in the mood. I have a terrible hangover, I've cursed Canaan for what his dad did, it is cold, and there are more rules that need to be enforced so we will not have another fiasco like before the Flood.

Funny: What rules? You mean you are going to look forward to the cross of Christ to be saved like I learned in Sunday School?

Noah: Your ignorance is legendary, you know that? Where is that written down anyway? Where does the LORD say that? He never said that to me, that's for sure. Here are the rules:
1.Eat meat.
2.Don't eat blood.
3.Kill murderers.
4.Have babies.
5.Sacrifice for sin.

Funnymentalist shakes his head. He is not feeling well. He never learned THIS in daily vacation Bible school. What will he do?

PART 6
After the Tower of Babel disaster, God decided to call out a people of His own. He starts this with a fellow by the name of Abram. One day in the Ur of the Chaldees, Abram hears the voice of God telling him to pack up and get out of the area and go to a place that God will show to him.

He is promised:

1.Seed.
2.Land.
3.Blessings.

Gen. 13:14-17

Funnymentalist: And eternal life in Heaven too, right? All he has to do is look forward to the cross and be eternally secure!
Abram: No Stupid, God never said that. I must go by what God says, not by what I think God meant in the original languages.

Abram: As the father of the Jewish race, I looked up into the night sky and God said that he was going to give me seed as the stars. I believed Him.He accounted me righteousness.

Funny: How about your kids?

Abram: They have to circumcised or they will be cut off. (Gen 17:14)

Funny: Sounds serious.

Abram: God is serious.

PART 7
Well we join our time travellin' fool (I can still call him that... we are not in the Millennium yet), Mr. Funnymentalist again and we will join him at the Jordan River with none other than John The Baptist.

John: Repent! Be baptized! Confess your sins! Clean up! Do right!
Funny:Excuse me, Sir.
John: Whut!? Get down here in the water and get baptized, you are a Jew, ain't ya?
Funny: Why yes! I am the spiritual seed of Abraham, and just like he was saved looking forward to the cross, I'm saved by looking back to...
John: What in the wide wide world of sports are you talking about? You ain't no Jew! Jews have better sense than to talk like that. Get out of my way. I have thousands of Jews to baptize so they will recognize the Messiah when He comes. One side, Bub, and take off that ridiculous Babylonish garment. Probably been tying it too tight around your neck...that is why you can't understand what the LORD SAYS.

Funny:But sir....you are baptizing. You are called The Baptist. I'm a Baptist.....I can trace my religion all the way back to here! I'm a Christian! (Funny shoots out his chest).
John: Great. Really, I'm impressed. What is a Christian? Look Kid, here is how it is: I'm really busy and salvation is of the Jews (loosen that cravate will ya?) and I don't even like talking to Gentile dogs (nothing personal). I am saved so long as I keep the law. I am circumcised and keep all the feast days and if I sin, I sacrifice a clean animal. I don't know what you are talking about looking at crosses. The Romans hang criminals on them and the Egyptians look at them (that is why The Lord said to not even go to Egypt to get a horse let alone a Bible)...but the dirty gentile dogs do their best to run back to the Egyptian philosophies, manuscripts, and customs. That is why I have to cut you loose. Shalom.
Funny:But but....
John: Repent!

PART 8
We join our wandering friend, Funnymentalist again and see him approaching the Apostle Peter and the 11 other apostles.

Peter: (Unknown tongue)
Funny:Hello Sir.
Peter just ignores him and carries on in a language that some of the 3 000 men there seem to understand.
Funny: Hey! You!!!
Peter: What do you want? Can't you see I am busy? I have no time to talk to dogs. My Lord said not to cast the food to the dogs. I a talking to Israel about the Messiah they killed and that He rose from the dead.
Funny: Oh! At last someone that agrees with my theology! My self esteem was suffering big time. I see that you are looking back toward the cross to be saved. Let's lead these prospects...er sinners...er nice people in the sinner's prayer repeat after me now everyone: Lord I know I'm a sinner......

Peter: One side stringbean. What kinda milk toast message are you preaching anyway!? If anyone is going to preach anything around here it will be me preaching:

Acts 2:38
Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

AND...

Acts 3:19
Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;

Peter: So you see, stringbean, we are not looking back to anthing. If anything, we are looking ahead to the times of refreshing. Now out of the way, Gentile Dog I have more tongues to speak, baptisms to do and a Church to be put into.

Funny: But.....But.....

Peter: What now?

Funny:Are you saying the Pentecostals, Church of Christ andf the Catholics were right?

Peter: Naw! Of course not. We are Jews and the Jews have always required a SIGN. Tongues, healings, raising the dead, casting out devils, visions, drinking poison and snake handling are for the unbelieving Jew. Gentiles don't get these as a rule.

We are looking for the Lord to come back and all we know to do is this

PART 9
Well, our friend Funnymentalist has really hit rock bottom. He thought he had his doctrine all straight, but alas, no go. He is sitting all alone looking confused and despondent, and that is how Paull finds him.

Paul: Young man, what is the trouble?

Funny: Well I have talked to people from Adam to Peter and they all disagree with me, and I have the sneaking suspicion that they are right, and that is the worst part.

Paul: Can I show you a couple of things, my friend?

Funny: OK.....say....why are you so nice to me, anyhow?

Paul: Well, I'm Paul the Apostle to the Gentiles. I'm YOUR apostle, and I have your doctrine for you.

So Paul told him how he got saved in Acts 9, then he told him how the jailor got saved in Acts 16:31. He told him about the church that cried when he left and how he told them that people are now saved by repentance toward God and faith in Jesus Christ.(Not by looking back toward a cross).
Then he went on and told him that the salvation you receive in this dispensation of grace is obtained by grace through faith AND KEPT by grace through faith. The same Saviour who saves you, keeps you saved. It may have sounded like this:
First of all a Born Again Christian is in the best possible situation anyone has ever been. We are saved forever (Rom. 6:23) and nothing will ever change that.
Eternal life means just that ETERNAL, and we HAVE it! Isn't that great to know?
Here are some of the verses:

John 3:16
John 10:28-29
Eph. 4:30
Phil'p. 1:6
2 Tim. 2:13
Rom. 6:23
Rom. 6:14
Rom. 8:15
Rom. 8:1
Rom. 8:9
Rom. 8:38-39

These verses all demonstrate that a New Testament Christian cannot lose his or her salvation.
Now the key to eternal security is the spiritual circumcision mentioned in Col. 2:11. This is an operation performed by God at salvation. It involves the cutting away of the flesh from the soul. So now when our flesh commits sin it is just the flesh that does it.....not the soul. We are saved and do not commit sin.....but our flesh does. Our flesh is not saved....our soul is.

The end result is wonderful..we have a circumcised soul, a quickened spirit (Eph. 2:1), and dying (judicially dead) flesh.

A Christian can in no way lose his salvation.
A person may say that a Christian can lose it..however they will have to go to Matthew,Mark, Hebrews, Peter, or James to back this up. However this is easily explained by the fact that these Books, although perfect and God's Holy Words, are written to Jews at different times...not Christians.

Funnymentalist teared up, got a bubble snot, and praised the Lord for his unique Salvation for Christians. He then decided he was going to accept God's words as they stood in the King James Holy Bible.
Funny wasn't funny anymore.....he became.....a...Bible Believing Christian.

Paul then taught him more. He told him about the Pre Trib Rapture and that after that, there will be Jacob's trouble which is Daniel's 70th Week and how, because God is dealing with the Jews again, they will have a faith-works system for salvation. He told him about the 2nd Advent and how the blood will be bridle high on the horses.....he told him about the 1 000 year reign of Christ and that Matt. 5,6,7 is the doctrine for the people in this dispensation, and then the Great White Throne Judgment at the end.

Bible Believer then thanked Paul for helping him to rightly divide the Scriptures and went on his way rejoicing. (2 Tim. 2:15)

[Laura]

Thanks for posting that, Luke! I laughed a few times as I read through it. You're right, it would be a good play for a teen group. :laughi10:

[iSAVEDbyGRACEi]

AAAAAAmen brother Luke, thank you for this. Blessings to all.

[Rolando]

Good post brother Luke! It put a smile on my face, and even gave me a quick laugh! :laughi10:

Thank you. I truly enjoyed it.

Your brother in Christ,

Rolando

[MrsHayseed]

Really good Luke.I remember getting bubble snot as I wept in my garden begging Jesus to save me.

I like the simple way of describing right division.

YSIC Mrs Hayseed

[Here Am I]

Now, I really enjoyed that, thanks!

[iSAVEDbyGRACEi]

I deeply want to thank you again for this, brother Luke. For I was able to show eternal security to a doubting brother, and I REJOICE. For I can TOTALLY relate to this Funny Mentalist. Hey........ Maybe we should all change our denomination to funnymental baptists. (lol)